How to survive being a student during the apocalypse

By Jamie Dunkin, Gabby Milne, and Maddi Smith

In these grim dark days, how do we survive? Thankfully here’s a guide for the end of the world.

Avoid all social interaction – not like you were going to anyway

Let’s all be honest, there was nothing as painful as having a chatty Uber driver anyway. Use this as a chance to practise your stone cold bitch face in public. Channel an energy that makes you as unapproachable as possible. The weak should fear the strong.

Get plenty of exercise and race to bulk buy the essentials (chocolate, fast food)

Remember Mad Max? In their apocalypse it was all about petrol. Petrol was power. In the real world however we know it’s actually much more about toilet roll and chocolate. Before you head out to shop, remember to dress in full leather with spikes, and some sort of helmet or mask. If we’re gonna live in the apocalypse, dress like the apocalypse you want to live in!

Get vaccinated so all the Karens go extinct

Poetic irony is the only acceptable death in these trying times. Live by the unvaccinated sword, die by the unvaccinated sword.

Check in on your elderly relatives (if you want)

Yeah look this is a tough one. Old people smell weird and go on about stuff forever but it’s probably worth checking up on any you know. They’re people too, apparently.

Make sure your classmate isn’t dying on the sofa -but secretly encourage it for their demise 

Think of an elaborate scheme to get into their will and then slowly watch them die before your eyes. It’ll hurt for a while but it’ll be worth it when you can afford a sick new PlayStation. Please do not disclose your plans to a third party.

Dab when you cough so everyone knows to avoid you and your terrible dance moves

A dab a a day keeps the doctor away. Two dabs a day keeps all your friends away. Social distancing comes at a cost.

Wear no clothing, the police need self isolation too

“Sir, I’m the clothing inspector”

It’s advised to change your clothes as the virus can carry on clothing, so just take out the middle man and wear nothing. Let’s normalise lounging around in the buff. Nudity is a taboo and there are laws against it, but where are the police, huh?

Instead of listening to your aunt be racist in person, talk to her on facetime!

Hearing your aunt go on about racial IQ and the “Jewish Question” in person can be awfully tiring and very awkward. Talk to her via FaceTime and just play a game or check Instagram instead of listening to her.

Save water by bathing yourself in your own tears

Isolation can be pretty depressing. Stuck by yourself for a few weeks and you’ll still need to pay your bills! With the virus and the current drought we’re at odds with washing ourselves and using water. Easy substitute: your tears! We’ve all cried in the shower before anyway, what’s the big deal?

Discover the secret to fulfilment and life itself

Discover within yourself the urge to continue, the will to carry on, the human spirit that lives inside us all. Sometimes the dark periods we face are a challenge we need to progress as people, or a society even. The pandemic can claim lives, but it cannot claim the human spirit itself.

Also make a sick handshake with your squad (the catch being no hands allowed). Add in some elbows flailing around, some feet maybe, I dunno.

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